Just not feeling it lately

Lately I have not been happy with myself. They say a person worst critic is themselves. And that is exactly me. I look in the mirror or put on an outfit and I just begin to break down. I know that I am a beautiful person but sometimes I wish I looked different. I would love to loss some weight. I am overweight and i need to get myself motivated to do something about it . I don't eat terribly. I just need to get moving. And i say this all the time , but i just don't do it.
I was in my cousin's wedding last Saturday and i look at pictures and wish I was slightly smaller. I took pictures with my sister and my face looks huge. I try to read diet plans and workout plans I just give up when something isn't working they way I would like it to .
SO I need to get myself moving. I don't have any numbers goals, just mental goals.. Like feeling better about myself.
So today starts a new day.


~~ M

Summer is here!!! JP is not.

I love this season. The sun, the blue skies, being warm, with that also the humidity the sunburn.... even though as I get older i tend to wear sunblock more often and I am usually more prepared for the heat. 

Last week i had a moment about Julia. I sometimes cannot believe she is not here, and that I am going to wake up from some terrible dream. I wouldn't wish this grieving on my worse enemy .  I can honestly say I usually am the strong one with handling her sudden death. I know she is always with me.  And looking out for me. 

I know loosing someone to addiction is a terrible thing. Sometimes you have to just remember that they are i a better place.. No more demons  they will have to fight in their minds.. All the pain they suffered is gone and they are healthy and beautiful on the other side.  If you want to think the other side is heaven.. or if it is just another world.. it is just the other side. I also have to think she did make this choice in her life and the addiction took the best of her and just couldn't fight it. Even though she was sober for months before her death, that one trigger took over and she had no control at that moment. 

I would have to say my father has probably been the one who has had the hardest time dealing with it. Being afraid that his depression sometimes takes the best of him.. He is not great with grieving with loosing Julia and then my grandfather i have seen the toll it has taken. I haven't had the best relationship with him, we are so much alike that I find myself just butting heads with him. 

SO  with all the grieving our family has endured, my sister Karla and I were informed we have a brother.. that y dad fathered while he was still married to my mother.  We always knew that my dad had cheated on my mom just didn't know a child was a part of that situation. We recently got to meet him. His name is Andrew. He is really nice just haven't done anymore reaching out to him. Not sure where what kind of relationship he would want. 

I love when people reach out to me to tell me that my family is in there thoughts and prayers.. It does make me feel better. Because with every thought of Julia i know it keeps her alive.

~Maria